Aspies and Rudeness - NOT Two Great Tastes that Go Great Together

Rudeness.

Is there ever an excuse?

I imagine some would say yes. If a kid has AS, you've got to give him a break. It's possible that he's naturally willful, self-oriented, and not very considerate of other people's feelings.

Hey, he's an aspie - he can't help it!

BULL.

There's never an excuse for a child being rude, to adults, teachers, parents, or other kids.

NJ is naturally a very compassionate kid. Like all aspies, he has some of the classic traits, but he also lacks some of the other classic traits.

For example, NJ likes to monologue. He loves to talk. Sometimes, he's still pretty one-sided in his conversations.

He's also something of a control freak. He likes to be in charge. He likes to give orders and arrange the puzzle pieces (and sometimes the people) in the way he deems most satisfying.

Some of this is aspie stuff - some of it is merely inherited from his mom and dad.

Mel and I are both control freaks! So does that mean we passed along those genes to NJ? Probably. Sometimes, the line between simple inheritance and "aspergian" behavior patterns blurs. I tend to think (just guessing) that our son's aspie diagnosis is the result of genetic alchemy more than some external factor.

He's just got a certain mixture of our genes, and that mixture has created an incredible little person who can be alternately stubborn, selfish, loving, gentle, snuggly, imperious, brilliant, original, surprising, bold, assertive, awkward, maddening... In other words, he's human.

But regardless, there's one thing we will not tolerate, and that is old-fashioned rudeness.

If he's rude, we correct him immediately - and make sure he understands that it's not acceptable. If he continues (say, badgering his mother), then we use the 1-2-3 Magic method, which has been a lifesaver.

When the infraction begins, you simply give a warning. Then you say:

"That's 1."

If he continues:

"Okay, that's 2."

If he continues:

"Okay, that's 3... You get a time-out."

We've just switched from time-outs being the big ramification, to "no more Nintendo today."

You better believe that gets his attention.

Anyway, one of our main hopes is that NJ integrates reasonably well into society in general. We believe he will find his niche. But we also believe that being part of society means you must understand the importance of politeness.

Temple Grandin, the amazingly talented and beautiful writer, speaker and humane farming engineer, says that rudeness should NEVER be tolerated. We should never make excuses for our aspies.

And I am beginning to understand that the reason we can't let them get away with it is... we love them too much.