An Effective Discipline Strategy for Asperger's Kids

Since he was a toddler, NJ has been... how should I put it... willful.

Before we discovered his Asperger's "diagnosis," I once referred to him as the Tiny Overlord.

We still get a laugh out of that one.

But now he's six, and he's still very... well... willful.

However, somewhere along the way, I realized that following the orders of a toddler (however "sensible" they seemed) was a recipe for insanity.

For example, a kid might say: "I want a drink.  Give me juice NOW!"  

That's not the right way to ask for something.  Sure, a parent doesn't worry about propriety, or manners at first.  But eventually, manners begin to matter, bit time.

You realize: when little Billy goes to Grandma's house, she might not be so forgiving.  

When he makes demands of the babysitter, she might scoff and insist that he "ask properly."  If he doesn't know, it could lead to some negative situations and confusion.

When he makes demands of the daycare provider? 

Not likely that any daycare provider worth her salt will put up with a rude, demanding little kid.  Same with teachers, coaches and crotchety Aunt Melba.

Eventually, we learn that behaving is a survival skill.  Kids need to learn how to behave, and be polite, in order to function well in society.

As the great Temple Grandin says of spectrum kids: There is never an excuse for rudeness, period.

Of course, we tried everything to keep NJ from doing bad things, like digging into the cookie jar without asking... knocking stuff off the bookshelf... pulling all the toilet paper off the roll... et cetera, ad infinitum.  

We patiently explained everything, which became maddening to me.  We raised our voices, which never quite felt right.  Sometimes we said nothing and simply removed the child from the trouble area.

And besides never quite feeling satisfying, none of it ever really worked very well.  

NJ wasn't learning discipline, and we weren't experiencing the relative peace of mind that comes from having a well behaved kid.

We made that a goal, and began searching for solutions.

And we finally discovered it with a book you can get at your local bookstore, called 1-2-3 Magic.

This book by Dr. Thomas Phelan was an absolute Godsend. 

It lays out a very different approach to disciplining kids that had everything we needed.

1. It was gentle but firm - you never have to raise your voice again.

2. It works consistently for all kinds of "stop" discipline situations - where you want the kid to stop whatever he's doing (there are methods for "start" discipline, too, like brushing teeth and putting on your his clothes).

3. It puts the power into the kid's hand, and teaches him self-discipline.  It's not totally a one-way imposition of rules, but gives the kid a chance to correct his own behavior. 

This last point is extremely important to me.  I think it actually leaves some of the power with the kid and allows him to maintain their self-esteem more fully than a purely punishment-based system.

How the 1-2-3 Magic Approach Works

So how does it work with aspies?  We have found that it works very, very well.

I would strongly suggest reading the book.  It reveals the system in detail, and how to use it. But basically, it's very, very simple.

When a kid is doing something you want him to stop doing, you simply begin a counting process.  

You start with: "That's one."  

You tell the kid what he needs to stop doing.  

If he continues doing it, then you wait about five seconds to give him a chance to correct the behavior, and then you say: "That's two."  (Note: Of course, if the kid's doing something dangerous, just stop him.)

If he continues, then you simply say: "That's three, take 5."

The "take 5" part refers to the number of minutes the kid will then go into "time out."  Generally, you give the kid one minute of timeout for each birthday he's had.  If he's three, he gets three-minute timeouts, etc.

Time outs should ideally be spent out of eyesight of the parent, so the kid can't try to tease you, or play you in some way.  Good places might be a stair or a bedroom. 

But at each step during the process, the kid has a chance to correct his own behavior, and thus avoid the punishment of the time out.   He learns to self-discipline, which is so much better than simply waiting for a parent to yell and reacting.

We have found it very, very, very effective with NJ.  It's the only thing that has worked consistently, and it has worked for years.  

I frankly don't know where I would be without it.

The thing is, it needs to be used consistently.  And as always, we need to make sure we're not punishing something beyond the aspie kid's control.  In other words, there are situations where the kid just needs to be left alone... he needs a hug... he needs whatever he needs.  That's up to the parent, of course.

But if you're looking for a good way to consistently discipline your aspie kid (aged 2-12), I would strongly encourage you to check out 1-2-3 Magic.

Peace.